Baby

November 2010: Decided to add another member to our family.
April 6: Went to Walmart to buy pregnancy tests. Came home and found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! We texted and called our family and friends to tell them.
I spent a few weeks looking for a new doctor to use this pregnancy. I loved my last doctor but I wanted someone closer to home and I just wanted to see a regular OB for all my regular visits and see the high-risk doctor only when needed. A couple friends suggested Dr. Miller who is located right at Moore Medical which is literally 2 minutes from my house. I called her office and made an appointment for May 13th (she was out on Maternity leave, so this was the earliest I could be seen).
May 13: I was a little over 9 weeks along and really excited to go to the doctor. We were hoping she'd do an ultrasound so we could see the baby and we lucked out! She wanted to pinpoint the due date so that we'd know exactly when to do the cerclage and start the progesterone shots. The second the ultrasound began you could see the baby. In all it's peanut shaped glory. Kolton kept asking where the baby was and Brady was sitting to the side explaining to him why it didn't quite look like a baby. I then noticed something was amiss. I couldn't see any fluttering in the baby's chest. The doctor then measured the baby and told me it was measuring 8 weeks. Now I know babies can measure off by a little bit but that combined with the fact that no heart beat was visible solidified my bad feeling. I then asked if she could see a heart beat. Just by the way she answered you could tell she was uncomfortable. She told me she'd try and look. You could see the baby, though. There wasn't any more looking you could do. She seriously moved around for 3 or 4 minutes looking at the baby trying to pick up a heart beat. I was getting anxious so I asked her where the baby was in my uterus just to change directions. She showed me and then also showed us how heart shaped my uterus was again (in October of 2006 I had a septum removed from my uterus to decrease the severity of my bicornuate uterus but it looked like some of it if not all had grown back). Then she started looking at the baby again and said she wasn't as concerned with my uterus as she was with the fact that the baby didn't have a heart beat. She asked me if I understood what the meant, which I obviously did, and then told me she wanted me to go get some blood work done and get another ultrasound done by the specialist. I debated back and forth about whether or not I wanted to go get another ultrasound done and decided against it. I went and did my blood work but did not want to sit through another ultrasound. I called my doctor's office and spoke with the nurses a couple times this week and they expressed to me the need to come in for another ultrasound. They agreed to let me come in to their office this morning (Friday). They did another ultrasound and it just brought back all the feelings again. The baby was still measuring at 8 weeks 1 day and still didn't have a heartbeat. She asked me what my thoughts were and I expressed to her that I'd rather not have a D&C but I leave on Tuesday to visit my family for 3 weeks and don't want to mess with it there. She told me that if I wasn't leaving town she'd probably give me some medicine to try and make my body miscarry and let me try and do it on my own for about another week but past that I'd need to just have a D&C and get it done so I don't get an infection. However, since I was leaving town, she suggested a D&C. Brady and I agreed that would be best so I'm scheduled to go in on Monday morning at 8:00 and have a D&C and then hopefully it will all be taken care of and I'll be ready to leave town Tuesday morning. I haven't really talked about this all very much. I've briefly talked about with a couple people but overall I've really just held a lot of it in. I say that but Brady and I have talked about it a lot, actually. I don't know what it is I just can't bring myself to talk much about it. We have a lot of support though from our family and friends. We've received several messages from people (family and friends) expressing their love and support and flowers and cookies and cards. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful and loving people in our lives! Its just hard knowing that there is a baby inside of me that could have become a part of our family but for one reason or another is not going to be able to. It brings a lot of memories and emotions back from when we lost Lillian. I know that the circumstances and experiences are not the same but it still makes me sad to think about these two other spirits that I could have in my home. Since I found out I was pregnant, and even before, I would think about having a miscarriage and how hard it would be but then I'd almost tell myself that it wouldn't happen. I had already experienced losing a baby and it wouldn't happen again. I know most women experience a miscarriage (if not multiple miscarriages). I think I remember someone telling me it happens like 1 in every 3 pregnancies but its still hard. I just wonder what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. Why did this happen now? What is there for me to learn from it? I know this post is all over the place. I'm seriously just typing as I think. Its also hard just waiting for it to happen. I feel like most of the time people aren't just waiting around for their body to miscarry--they either get a D&C right away or pass it before they knew anything was wrong. I'm also producing a high level of hormones still and so I'm still sick feeling all the time. That's hard to deal with anyway, but when there isn't a purpose for it it makes it a little tougher. I also think about how now Kolton is going to be 4 1/2 or 5 by the time I have another baby. I'm having the D&C on Monday and then I have to wait 2 complete cycles (I thought just one, but my doctor wants me to wait 2) and then we can start trying. It took us 6 months to get pregnant this time so if it takes us that long again I won't even be pregnant until like December or January and not have a baby until September or October. Its so frustrating that we have to start over again. That's such a huge gap between kids! It makes me sad for Kolton. I want him to have a sibling to play with. By the time we have one he'll be in school! I know I'm being dramatic. I need to count my blessings and realize how lucky we are to have Kolton in our lives. We told Kolton that the baby got sick and died after our appointment last week. So this week when we went to the doctor he asked if we were going to get a new baby. :( He also asked if all the ladies in the waiting room were there to see the doctor because their babies were sick too. Poor guy. Hopefully next pregnancy works out better for us and we don't have to deal with any more sadness. AND I really hope my D&C goes well so I can leave on Tuesday! Fingers crossed!!