A moment for Lillian

I want to take a minute to talk about Lillian. We were driving on her birthday (the 23rd) and then we were SO busy yesterday (Memorial Day as well as the day she passed away) that I haven't had time to say a little something and talk about her life. I'm sorry this is really long, I just wanted a moment to talk about her and the impact she's made in our family's life. She would be 3 years old...

Lillian Elizabeth was born on May 23, 2006 at 9:24 pm and weighed 1 pound 5 ounces and was 11 3/4 inches long. She had such a quiet, gentle cry when she was born. I was able to give her a kiss on the forehead before they took her away but neither Brady or I were able to hold her.

Lillian did really well the first night she was in the NICU. The only problem they had was keeping her temperature up. Unfortunately, she started going down hill Wednesday (24th) afternoon. They did an ultrasound and found that she had a level three brain aneurism. Her heart rate was dropping, too. Because they had to pump so much air into her lungs, her lungs got too big and were compressing her heart. Her little body just wasn't spacious enough for full longs and a beating heart. So, they had to cut back on the oscillator so that her heart would beat. She then started forming air pockets in her lungs since they weren't fully developed. They had to resuscitate her, but didn't have to do compressions, which was good.

Thursday morning the NICU doctor and the hospital chaplain came walking into my room. When I saw them, my heart dropped. The NICU doctor told us that our little Lillian wasn't doing very well. He said that they had to resuscitate her again and that she wasn't looking any better. So, Brady, my mom, and I headed over to the NICU.

We were there for about 5 minutes and then Brady felt he should giver her a name and a blessing. He whispered those special words in my ear and then left to go call his parents and tell them that she wasn't doing very well. My mom and I stood there and just watched her as she struggled to stay alive. All I wanted was for our daughter to be ok--for her to not be in pain and for her to be able to spend more time with us here on earth before she decided to return back to our Heavenly Father.

Moments later she started slipping. I looked to my mom and asked her where Brady was. She went looking for him. If this was indeed the end of Lillian's time here on Earth with us, Brady needed to be here to say good-bye. Luckily, he was coming back in the NICU and was able to see her. Brady and I just sat there helplessly as the nurses and doctors worked fervently on our daughter trying to get her to make it. They had to do compressions with this resuscitation, but still couldn't keep her heart rate over 20 bpm. A few seconds later, the doctor looked over at us and said it was now down to 8 bpm and asked if he could stop. Brady and I looked at each other and, as much as we hated to say it, we said yes. It was so hard to watch the numbers on the machine go from an eight to a three to a zero. She was gone.

Our daugher passed away at 12:08 pm on May 25, 2006. She was with us for almost 39 hours, but it just wasn't long enough. Brady and I were able to hold her after she passed away. My mom, Brady's parents, and Jeff and Vanessa were there with us and my mom and Brady's parents were also able to hold her as well.

Lillian died with a smile on her face which was one of the few happy moments we had that day. It was good to know she was no longer suffering and in pain struggling for her life.

There's nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the death of your daughter and there's nothing you can do to make it go away. You just have to work through it.

A nurse took some pictures of us with Lillian and those pictures mean the world to me! They are the only pictures I have of her with us. Sometimes that is hard to believe.

Lillian was perfect! I will never forget the way she looked. She had so many strong characteristics from both Brady and I. She had the most darling little feet--they looked like Brady's. Her second toe was longer than her big toe and curled out to the side, just like Brady's. She had the prettiest eye lashes. They were so long and gorgeous. She had my swoop nose and little dimples. Her fingers were long and beautiful. Everything about her was perfect--which is why Heavenly Father needed her back.

Lillian has made me want to be a better person! She has made me want to do all that I can do on this Earth so that Brady and I can be with her again. I look forward to the day when Brady and I will have the opportunity to raise our daughter and hear her first word and see her first step and feel her sweet hugs.

We will never forget our daughter. We will never be able to forget the few moments we were able to spend with her. We want to be able to be with our children forever as a family. We love our children, Kolton and Lillian, so much. More than one can imagine! Lillian has become a very integral part of our family and will always be in our hearts! We love you Lillian!